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  She waited, not breathing, afraid that even one breath of air might make her shatter.

  Moses reached for her hand and enveloped it in both of his own. “I’m afraid that the news isn’t good. I’ve received word that Thomas’s company engaged in a deadly skirmish while attempting to bring Vic-torio and his men back across the border from Mexico. Thomas and two other men didn’t return from that battle.”

  Jarena stared at him, unable to make a sound.

  “I’m so sorry to bring this news. I debated whether I should tell you. I pray I’ve done the right thing.”

  Moses’s words were the last sound Jarena heard before she collapsed into his arms.

  Jarena roused to the acrid odor of spirits of ammonia. She lurched back and flailed her arms, hoping to escape the burning sensation invading her nostrils.

  “Good! She’s coming around. Can you hear me, Jarena?”

  She sputtered and pushed at Dr. Boyle’s hand. “Please. Take that away.”

  Dr. Boyle assured someone nearby that she would be fine. She forced her eyes open. Bright sunlight filtered through the sheer curtains and framed Moses’s figure. He and Dr. Boyle had aligned themselves beside the divan, and they stood peering down at her.

  “Why don’t we see if you’re able to sit up?” Dr. Boyle gently assisted Jarena into an upright position. “There! You’re doing beautifully. Any dizziness? Do tell me if you feel as though you’re going to faint again.”

  He adjusted a pillow behind her head and then leaned back to observe her. “Any previous history of fainting?”

  Jarena returned his attentive look. “No. I’ve been quite weary of late.”

  “And little doubt, what with caring for my wife, your aunt, and this house. For a doctor, I haven’t been very perceptive. I should have noticed the toll this was taking on you. And then, the news of Thomas.

  I am so very sorry, my dear.” He gently patted her hand. “I believe you should go to your room and rest. I can look after Margaret and Lilly for a few hours.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Boyle. I appreciate your kindness. But I should be fine in an hour or so—a short nap should help.” Jarena traced a finger across the tufted velvet of the divan. “Is there a possibility I might go to Nicodemus to see my father sometime soon?”

  “Yes, of course. I can see to things here at the house, and I’m certain Betsy Turnbull would be willing to lend a hand.”

  Jarena pictured Betsy Turnbull serving her aunt and Mrs. Boyle their meals and nearly withdrew her request. Betsy cared little about personal cleanliness, and she consistently manifested that point of view.

  However, Jarena decided she truly did not care what Aunt Lilly thought, and Dr. Boyle should be able to placate his ailing wife for a day or two.

  Moses leaned closer and offered an encouraging smile. “I’ll plan to drive you over on Saturday, and we can attend church in Nicodemus the next day, if you like. I know your father and Grace will both be delighted to see you.”

  Brushing a stray hair from her forehead. Jarena accepted his offer. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe I’ll go upstairs and rest.”

  Both men jumped to their feet. She could feel their eyes on her as she walked out of the room. Obviously they believed a journey to Nico-demus would bolster her spirits. They had no idea why she truly wanted to go home.

  She paused outside Lilly’s door, surprised to see her aunt looking back from her bed. “Can we talk?” Lilly’s voice was a hoarse whisper.

  The faint scent of Lilly’s perfume wafted through the doorway to remind Jarena of the woman’s past. “You can say nothing I wish to hear, and there is nothing I wish to say to you.” She turned on her heel and walked away.

  Jarena fell onto her bed and covered her eyes. Her thoughts skittered back and forth erratically between Thomas and Lilly. A tight knot had taken up residence in her stomach and refused to dissipate. A tapping sounded on the wall that separated her room from Aunt Lilly’s. Jarena rolled onto her side and covered her ears. Let her tap—she had a bell on her bedside table. Dr. Boyle would come and lend aid if she needed it.

  When she could stand it no longer, Jarena jumped up from the bed and went to Lilly’s door. Her jaw was clenched tight, and her fingers dug into the doorjamb. “What do you want?”

  Jarena’s venomous attack seemed to defeat Lilly with the accuracy of an asp striking its prey. Pain surfaced in Lilly’s dark brown eyes.

  “Only what you promised. Forgiveness.”

  Jarena swallowed a gasp as she hastened back to her room. Lilly’s soft words hung in the air like a thundercloud waiting to burst.

  Forgiveness.

  CHAPTER

  23

  Nicodemus , Kansas

  Ezekiel paused for a moment and watched his neighboring farmers as they cut and topped the sorghum cane crop. He pulled his handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his forehead and neck. Once again they were sharing their tools and labor, just as they had during the wheat harvest. Harvesting the huge six- to twelve-foot stalks was difficult work, and early on, the men had learned that trading off jobs was essential in order to maintain their strength throughout the day.

  Though Ezekiel preferred operating the thin-bladed stick that cut off the leaves, he also spent his share of time removing the head of seeds from each stalk or cutting off the bare stalks and loading them into the wagon. Except for John Lovell, most of the farmers planted only enough cane for their own use, so the harvesting didn’t take too long at any one farm. John, who had brought his mill and evaporating pan from Kentucky, planted cane as his cash crop and traded the use of his mill in exchange for labor to harvest his large crop. Ezekiel secretly believed John got the best of their arrangement—he figured he was being paid less than nothing for the hours he worked in John’s fields— but Ezekiel loved the taste of sweet sorghum over warm biscuits, so he didn’t complain.

  More than anything, it pleased him to see Grace enjoy her time with the womenfolk as they worked together feeding the cane into the mill, tending the fire, or skimming the boiling syrup. Grace missed the companionship of her sisters—of that there was little doubt.

  Perhaps he should send word to Dr. Boyle that Jarena was needed at home. After all, he hadn’t intended to have his eldest daughter remain in Hill City so long. If he insisted on Jarena’s return, the doctor could likely find someone else to nurse his wife and help with the cooking. No one so skillful as Jarena, of course, but surely someone would step forward to assist. Ezekiel jumped down from the cane-laden wagon and began unloading the cumbersome stalks.

  “What you thinking about, Pappy?”

  Grace’s question startled Ezekiel from his thoughts, and he dropped the heavy armful of stalks atop the waiting pile. “I’s thinking ’bout the fact that Jarena’s been gone from home way too long. Thinkin’ maybe it’s time I send word to Dr. Boyle that we’s needin’ her back home. I ain’t wantin’ to add to Dr. Boyle’s problems, but I’s ready for Jarena to come home. What you think ’bout me doing such a thing?”

  Grace fed a few stalks into the horse-powered mill and then watched for a moment as the heavy rollers began to flatten and crush juice from the cane. “I miss Jarena—maybe even more than I missed Truth when she went over to Hill City. I reckon that’s because now there’s nobody left at home but the two of us.”

  He winked before grabbing another armful of cane. “And maybe ’cause you gots to do all the cookin’?” He continued with another armload. “Looks like John’s gonna have a right nice yield on his cane dis year.”

  “Looks that way. I told Mrs. Lovell I wouldn’t be helping tomorrow, and she’s mighty unhappy. I figure since none of the men except you brought their womenfolk to help, I shouldn’t have to be here every day.”

  Ezekiel noted that Grace was watching his reaction closely. “Ain’t no denying we got work at home that needs to be done.Where is Mrs. Lovell?”

  “Over by the fire skimming. She’ll send me over there this afternoon when the sun’s beating
down the hottest. She got mad at me yesterday when I let the syrup in the evaporating pan get too thick.”

  Ezekiel unloaded the final shafts of cane. “Guess she can keep that batch fer her own use instead of selling it. I best get back out to the field afore they wonder what’s happened to me. We’ll talk more when we git home tonight.”

  However, further discussion was set aside. When they arrived home, Jarena and Moses were there waiting for them.

  Jarena glanced over her shoulder as her father and Grace entered the house. She continued preparing supper as though her routine ministrations had never been interrupted by her temporary move to Hill City.

  Grace rushed to Jarena and wrapped her sister in an embrace. “Pappy and I were just talking about you this afternoon, and now here you are.”

  “And what were you saying? That you miss having someone here to cook and clean for you?” The words were tinged with austerity.

  Grace stepped back as though a hand had slapped her. “No! We miss talking and laughing with you. We miss your cheerful smile, and we dislike the emptiness in our family when you’re not with us.” She peered at Jarena suspiciously. “Is something wrong?”

  Jarena ignored the question, overwhelmed by her own feelings of pain and rejection. She wanted to speak to her father first—alone. Tell him how she’d wrestled with her questions over the last several days. Tell him the innumerable feelings she’d experienced since discovering and accepting the fact that he wasn’t truly her father. Tell him of her anger for the years of lies and deceit. And then force him to explain how he had so easily decided to cloud her life by a horrible lie.

  So far as Jarena was concerned, her only family connection remained with Lilly—but Jarena didn’t want Lilly! The very thought caused her spine to stiffen and tears to well in her eyes.

  Her father placed his hat on a peg near the door and sat down beside Moses. “This here’s a good surprise. Almost like you two knowed what I was thinkin’ earlier today.” Ezekiel proceeded to explain, and when he finished, he looked expectantly at Jarena. “What you think? You wanna plan on comin’ back home, daughter?”

  Jarena blended flour and melted butter into the chicken stew and then stirred as the mixture bubbled and began to thicken.

  “You hear me, Jarena?”

  “Oh, I thought you were speaking to Grace. Beyond praying the news regarding Thomas is incorrect, I have no plans. However, I don’t think I’ll be returning here anytime soon.”

  Ezekiel frowned and hunched forward to rest his long arms across his thighs. “What news? Ain’t nobody told me ’bout no news from Thomas. What’d you hear from him?”

  “Moses received word from the army that Thomas was involved in a skirmish with the Indians. He and a couple of other soldiers didn’t return to the fort.” Jarena recited the words in a dull, lifeless tone.

  Her father looked shocked. “You’s sayin’ them words awful easy-like.” He turned his attention to Moses. “You think maybe she’s tryin’ to hide her sorrow?”

  “You don’t need to talk as if I’m not in the room with you. I’m present and can hear what you’re saying. Quite honestly, if I displayed all the pain I’ve been forced to bear over the past week, I’d flood this entire soddy with my tears. But my tears aren’t going to change anything. Not about Thomas and not about you.”

  “Me? What you needin’ to change ’bout me?”

  “Lilly got herself run down by a carriage over in Hill City. She’s wavering between life and death and had an enlightening piece of information for me. We’ll talk after supper.” Jarena watched her father closely and saw his jaw clench. He knew exactly what Lilly had disclosed.

  Grace slumped in her chair. “Seems there’s nothing but bad news coming our way.”

  “Now that’s a fact,” Jarena agreed.

  Ezekiel patted Moses on the back. “Have you had any word from Truth? I’m getting a might worried ’bout that situation. Nearly time for the weddin’, and that gal’s still off in New York.”

  “I’m worried too, Ezekiel. Dr. Boyle had a letter from the school last week. They said Macia is still ailing and now Truth hasn’t been doing well—they say that’s why she hasn’t written. The doctor was supposed to visit, and they said not to worry.”

  Ezekiel poured a basin of water and washed his hands. “How’s a person s’posed to do that? Ain’t been nothin’ but worry since she got on that train.”

  After drying his hands, Ezekiel joined them at the table and prayed for the safety of Thomas, Truth, and Macia before helping himself to one of the flaky biscuits and a hefty serving of the chicken stew.

  Although Grace attempted to keep the dinner conversation cheerful, the atmosphere during the meal was strained. Jarena blamed herself for the air of discomfort, but nonetheless she did nothing to lighten the oppressive mood. There were too many perplexing issues circling the table. Everything from Thomas and Jarena to Truth and Macia—each one of them dispiriting. Somehow, Grace’s talk of Mr. Lovell’s sorghum crop and the seven gallons of syrup harvested from their own small crop seemed unimportant and out of place tonight. So they poured the sorghum syrup on their hot biscuits and ate in silence.

  When the meal had been completed, Grace got up to wash the dishes and Moses offered to keep her company, both obviously anxious to have Jarena and her father out of the room. When they were a short distance from the house, Ezekiel led her to his favorite resting place under the cottonwood tree.

  “Why don’ you tell me what I done that’s troublin’ you, Jarena?”

  He’d barely completed the request when Jarena spun on her heel. “How dare you lie to me for all these years! Call me your daughter. Let me think of you and your wife as my mother and father. Let me believe that I had twin sisters. Push aside my questions about why I looked different from the twins!”

  “Lilly done tol’ you.”

  “Yes. Lilly done tol’ me,” she mimicked harshly. “How could you?”

  He grasped her shoulders, but she yanked herself away. “What difference it make? You’s the same to me as Grace and Truth.”

  “What difference does it make? I don’t even know who I am! All these years I’ve been cooking and cleaning, caring for your daughters and your sick wife. During all that time, I believed they were my sisters and my mother. I believed you were my father. But that’s all a lie. The only thing that’s real is Lilly.”

  “That ain’t true. Lilly’s the biggest lie of all. She done broke her promise and tol’ you what was never s’posed to be said. Now she’s trying to turn you against me and yo’ sisters. They’s still blood—maybe not your blood sisters, but blood is blood, Jarena, and you’s still one of this family.”

  Jarena tried to move away, but her father blocked her path. Each time she attempted to go around him, he moved in front of her. Her anger rising, she clenched her fists and stepped to the side. “Let me by! I have nothing more to say.”

  “You sit down, gal. I’s gonna tell you the truth of what happened back when Lilly made her promise. What you’s gonna hear from me is ’zactly what happened. After you listen, then you can decide ’bout who you is and iffen we’s your family.”

  Jarena returned to the space under the cottonwood. Arms folded across her chest and her features taut with anger, she strengthened her resolve. Nothing he said would change her mind. Deceit and lies! She’d been taught to shun such sins all her life. Now he planned to convince her otherwise. Let him try.

  He fidgeted and Jarena watched, enjoying his discomfort, wishing he could somehow feel the excruciating pain she’d lived with since Lilly’s utterance—to know what it was like to have one’s foundation stripped away.

  “I ain’t good with words like you, Jarena, so I’s gonna speak from my heart and hope you’s listenin’ real good.”

  Settling his back against the cottonwood trunk, he rested his large hands atop bent knees and began his story. Speaking in a calm and even voice, he transported Jarena back to the early days of his life with J
ennie, sharing their pain when she hadn’t conceived a child early in their union and explaining how they had held to their faith, certain that God would bless them. And He did.

  “It was close to Jennie’s time to have the chil’ when we had a letter from Lilly sayin’ she was ’spectin’ a chil’. Now I never did approve of Lilly, never liked her ways. She didn’t have no husband, and she wanted us to take the baby and raise it like it was our own.We agreed after she promised never to lay claim on the chil’. She promised she’d never tell she was the one that birthed the baby. We figured God was givin’ us a double blessing.”

  With a pained expression, he told how Jennie’s and his child had been stillborn. Two days later, Jarena was brought to them by a man whom they’d never seen before nor since. Subsequently, everyone assumed Jarena was their child, and neither of them ever corrected that notion.

  “I figure God was testin’ me to find out if it was a chil’ I wanted or jest proof of my manhood. When I accepted you and loved you like my own, I think God was pleased. Leastwise, that’s what I decided when Jennie gave birth later to the twins.”

  Ezekiel wiped a tear from his cheek. He stared into the distance as he continued revealing what had happened so long ago—telling Jarena of the agreement with Lilly, the promises that had been repeated over and over to ensure that this day would never arrive.

  “Jennie kept her word, and I woulda kept mine. Course, we always knowed there was a risk with Lilly, but we hoped jest once she’d do the right thing. And if she ever gets outta that sickbed, I’m gonna have me a word with her that she won’t soon forget. I wanna know what possessed her to tell you. That woman ain’t nothin’ but selfish. She ain’t never changed her ways.” Ezekiel leaned forward and cradled his forehead in his palms.

  “Maybe you should have told the truth from the start. Then all of this could have been avoided. Did anyone think about that?”

  Ezekiel lifted his head and met her steady gaze. “Lilly was afeared your true father might hurt you. Don’ know if that’s a fact or iffen it’s another one of Lilly’s lies, but we believed her. We agreed it was best fer everyone. I still don’ understand why she decided to tell you.”